Opinion
 

What does ‘Straight Acting’ really mean?



“Straight acting only ” – alongside “hung only” and “gym fit only”, it’s the phrase we’re guaranteed to encounter on any gay hook-up site.

But what does it really mean? Here are some suggestions…

1. I have a varied selection of Adidas and Reebok trackies, t-shirts, and trainers (which are all bought with my Harvey Nicks charge card.)

2. Said items of clothing will emerge from my flush-fitted Ikea wardrobe for a Vauxhall Chav Fetish night only. Oh, and for the gym. The gay only gym.

3. During said fetish night I will drink only red-stripe beer (and subsequently work off the calories at the gay gym for the rest of the week.)

4. I go to said gym 4-6 times a week because straight men are, of course, renowned for having zero percent body fat.

5. I meticulously pluck and wax every hair from my body because that in no way feminises me.

6. I will stifle any scream or whimper when another man penetrates my perfectly trimmed orifice (even if this is with an oversized, inanimate object.)

7. I am built like the incredible hulk, but will run squealing “not the face” should I encounter a group of straight football hooligans (I know how they behave because I have studied all the Triga DVDs.)

8. No one would guess I am gay at work even if the odd Shirley Bassey number pops up between the heavy Trance on my Ipod shuffle.

9. I am keeping my closet door half open so that I can climb the heights as a media sales executive living in Maida Vale.

10. I have no deep seated shame at all, but really see no point in celebrating gay culture. I want to blend in and don’t believe in labels.

Thanks to Andy Medhurst and Christopher Leonard for their ideas and contributions to this article.

Words: Alex Hopkins

 

Jump to comments
Scroll Top